Confessions Of An Edward Teamster

Disclaimer: This post is written by someone who has had an unnaturally obsession with the most popular products of George Lucas’ mind and as a result knows more about that ancient and distant galaxy than anyone outside of Skywalker Ranch has any business knowing.

Straight up, I have never read or watched anything from the Twilight franchise. Therefore I am singularly unqualified to critique the merits of said franchise. I do know that the young people eat this stuff up as if the antidote was in it.

Based on the few interactions I’ve had with the Twilight, it seems to be a love story about a whiny vampire and the even whinier heroine who loves him. A saga so shiny and happy that it makes Sylvia Plath’s work read like the complete and unabridged works of Barney the Dinosaur. (right)

But in this story, there is a wrinkle in the form a fellow who doesn’t seem so whiny, a ripped werewolf who in a past life constituted one half of the dynamic duo that was Shark Boy and Lava Girl.

Our whiny heroine can’t decide between the whiny vampire or the heavy-browed werewolf or as this writer put it,

Bella must choose between Ed the Undead and Jake the Pecs, a decision that seems to be, if you think about it, a straightforward choice between necrophilia and bestiality.

And you’ll never see this love story the same way ever again…

The writer of the piece, Jan Moir, also allays my suspicions about Bella, the reluctant heroine “who plods around in a tartan shirt looking miserable; a po-faced study in mopey, dopey teenage angst.”

Maybe that’s the reason the story resonates so well with the utes, especially in the Western world where teenagers seemingly have everything at their fingertips. Yet somehow fabricate drama and misery out of the thin air of embarrassing comfort and prosperity. It is Mr. Lander who has penned a most excellent treatise on this phenomenon.

As someone who was into Star Wars religiously (that was Lucas’ penultimate goal after all, the ultimate is to make $$$), I can understand twilighters’ fascination with World of Whine.

What I can’t understand is the Team Edward v. Team Jacob thing. I can’t recall Star Wars fans closing ranks with either Han Solo or Luke Skywalker, or even getting behind Princess Leia or Oola. Oh well, que sera sera.

That said, Team Edward all the way!

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