Real Men of Genius have Lifewayophobia

My wife, son, and I frequent the local Lifeway store, which is a chain of Christian stores affiliated with the Southern Baptist Convention. We mainly go there to look for books and on occasion Christian music.

I admit, they sell some pretty wacky, not to mention cheesy, things at these locales. From breath mints called “Testamints” which include Biblical verses on the wrapper to all sorts of Chucky Cheese-counter trinkets which have Christian symbols shamelessly splashed on them. For the most part though their book selection is excellent (in other words, they don’t carry Joel Osteen’s Self-Help drivel) and their customer service is superb (I suppose this is what happens when your workforce is all Christian, who knows?).

I became a Christian myself 3 years ago and thus started frequenting the store.  Since then I have noticed a very peculiar phenomenon in the Lifeway parking lot. I have noticed a disproportionate amount of people sitting in their parked cars. The vast majority of these individuals are men, in fact we went to Lifeway today and saw a man in his parked car.

In fact when my parents go to Lifeway, my father stays in the car while my mother goes in to shop. My father isn’t Christian, my mother is, so this led me to the conclusion that the people (mostly men) who stay in the car are not Christian but do have Christian spouses (spice? mouse mice, spouse spice?) who like to shop at Lifeway.

My question is to the men who stay in the cars, if any of you people read this post please respond: what are you guys so scared of? Are you afraid of what the mean old Christians are going to do to you once you set foot in the store?

I mean, really, what is the worst thing that can happen if you go in there? They’re going to convert you? that’s laughable because they’re not God, only He can do that and it’s no use hiding from Him.

I’m all for doing a “Real Men of Genius” ad for this group of people and I propose the following…

Voice Over Guy: The Light presents Real Men of Genius

Michael W. Smith (singing): Real Men of Genius…

Voice Over Guy: Today we salute you “Mr. I stay in the Car at Lifeway”

W. Smith: (Mr. I stay in the car at Lifeway)

Voice Over Guy: You bravely stand up against the Christian hordes

W. Smith: (What a bunch of hypocrites)

Voice Over Guy: Yes it is you, showing the world that real men don’t go to Lifeway

W. Smith: (They don’t carry Maxim)

Voice Over Guy: No one’s going to tell you about Jesus, because after all, that’s for the womenfolk

W. Smith: (I like ’em barefoot and pregnant)

Voice Over Guy: So crack open an ice cold Bud Light (or 2 dozen) and show those pesky Christians what’s what

W. Smith: (Can you say DWI?, Mr. I stay in the car at Lifeway)

Voice Over Guy: The Burning Bush, Mt. Sinai…

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