i am ruined…

Had a rather unique experience, unique insofar as it had not happened to me in this manner.  I commute to work every day on a bus.  I live in the suburbs so to save money and wear and tear on my vehicle I take a bus into town to get to my place of employ.

I am very thankul for this because I can read or listen to music or even sleep during this hour and 15 min. or so.  This fine morning I was listening to a teaching on the book of Acts by Mark Moore (who is bookmarked on the right here).

In this particular lesson the teacher brought up the Kingdom of Heaven.  During his teaching he brought up the point that sometimes we treat God as our puppet.  “God do this for me”, “Why did you let this happen God?”, like He exists to keep us happy, our natural definition of happy that is.

He said something which might not be profound but it struck a chord and led me into something which I will never forget.  He said (I’m paraphrasing) that if you think about a kingdom, there’s subjects and there’s the king.  If members of a human kingdom spoke to their king like we speak to God it probably wouldn’t be a good thing to the insolent subject.  A serf does not (and prolly cannot) speak to his king like we sometimes speak to the King.

It was at this moment that I felt small, more than small, microscopic.  Insignificant, like absolutely nothing before an All Holy God.  I was with Job, I felt like a worm.  Absolute terror would not begin to describe my feelings at this point.  As if God would smite this irreverent creature from existence.

Must have been how Isaiah felt when he uttered these words “Woe is me, for I am ruined!”  The difference is that Isaiah saw His glory, I only sensed it.  My eyes watered at my bankruptcy and unworthiness, think John when no one was found worthy to unseal the scroll.

What followed this despair was the realization that this is what it must be like if Christ had not come down.  An attitude of thankfulness took the place of black despair as I thanked God for His mercy and grace.  “Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?  Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!”


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