Confessions Of An Edward Teamster

Disclaimer: This post is written by someone who has had an unnaturally obsession with the most popular products of George Lucas’ mind and as a result knows more about that ancient and distant galaxy than anyone outside of Skywalker Ranch has any business knowing.

Straight up, I have never read or watched anything from the Twilight franchise. Therefore I am singularly unqualified to critique the merits of said franchise. I do know that the young people eat this stuff up as if the antidote was in it.

Based on the few interactions I’ve had with the Twilight, it seems to be a love story about a whiny vampire and the even whinier heroine who loves him. A saga so shiny and happy that it makes Sylvia Plath’s work read like the complete and unabridged works of Barney the Dinosaur. (right)

But in this story, there is a wrinkle in the form a fellow who doesn’t seem so whiny, a ripped werewolf who in a past life constituted one half of the dynamic duo that was Shark Boy and Lava Girl.

Our whiny heroine can’t decide between the whiny vampire or the heavy-browed werewolf or as this writer put it,

Bella must choose between Ed the Undead and Jake the Pecs, a decision that seems to be, if you think about it, a straightforward choice between necrophilia and bestiality.

And you’ll never see this love story the same way ever again…