Let the Church Bells Ring
From Christian Lander, a prophet for our troubled times,
An interesting fact about white people is that they firmly believe that all of the world’s problems can be solved through “awareness.” Meaning the process of making other people aware of problems, and then magically someone else like the government will fix it.
As a call to action on global warming, churches throughout our fair planet will ring their bells on December 13, which just happens to be the date of the Copenhagen climate change summit.
“Church bells to ring out warning on climate change”
What’s next a synod against the sun for its role in global warmingt?
What all this hand-wringing bell-ringing is going to actually accomplish, I can’t really surmise. Perhaps the World Council of Churches was influenced by Christopher Walken’s Bruce Dickinson on SNL (below),
“Guess what? The planet has a fevah, and the only prescription is more church bell”
Institutionalized
Believe what you want. These walls are funny. First you hate ‘em, then you get used to ‘em. After long enough, you get so you depend on ‘em. That’s “institutionalized.” — Ellis Boyd “Red” Redding (below)
I’ve never been in prison, but Red’s words can’t be far off the mark. Confinement will have some effect on the confined. Red was referring to humans but I think the same can be said of wild animals who are put in zoos.
A zoo, for all the wonder it generates in children, is nothing more than a prison for our furry, scaly, or feathered friends. Now, I’m not going to go as far as some and suggest that they be outlawed, but last time I visited one, it was depressing.
Check out this vid taken at the National Zoo in Washington D.C.
In the wild, this deer would be lunch for this lioness. Yet, because she’s been fed like a house cat and not allowed to chase live prey, this lioness can’t even put an end to Bambi and thus enjoy her first kill in who knows how long. The deer did eventually die from its wounds, but I doubt that the carcass was fed to the real-life Naala.
You can hear the crowd cheering for the deer but if yours truly had been there, I would have been the only one rooting for the lioness.
About the only thing “wild” that lives on in this lioness is the reluctance to jump into deep water.
Like Brooks, who Red is describing, it’s safe to say this magnificent lioness has been institutionalized.
Here’s the story the vid came from:
Taylor Swift Takes a Picture with the Son of Toth
Confession: I can’t name a single Taylor Swift song.
I knew who she was (the country singer who always looks like she’s about to sneeze) before Kanye West humiliated the poor girl before a national television audience. Kanye’s act that night, though earning him Presidential scorn, catapulted the man into “legend” status, particularly among the Swift Haters. Predictably his showmanship went viral, see here.
Well now, potentially, it is the affable Ms. Swift who might be in some hot water:
Taylor Swift in racism row after posing with fan wearing swastika daubed on shirt
And because we’re not exempt here at Last Row from succumbing to the occasional viral campaign (it is flu season), like a Yankee batter facing Cliff Lee, I just couldn’t lay off:
The New Kryptonite
That’s right, Vicks VapoRub will do to toenail fungus what kryptonite does to the Man of Steel. What Will Muschamp does to offenses throughout the land, but I digress…
According to this piece in the New York Times, rubbing your infected toenail(s) once or twice a day with Vicks VapoRub will em, rub Digger(below) out of your life.
That screen shot is one of the greatest moments in the history of television advertising.
Sister Octomom and Her Minions
Just when you think the Octomom circus cannot get any more bizarre, Halloween strikes early at the Suleman household:
Yes, Nadya “Octomom” Suleman dressed up not only as a nun, but a pregnant nun. As if that weren’t enough, she decked out her brood in “devil” costumes. Because nothing says love more than making your child look like the spawn of Satan*. The only thing missing was this woman carrying a sign saying, “I’m carrying Rosemary’s baby”.
This whole thing reminds me of the first time I attended a “harvest festival” at a church. Biblical character costumes were in abundance. For example, you had a few Samsons, Davids et al, but strangely enough, no Jezebels or Whores of Babylon. Comic book heroes were strongly represented as well, but perhaps the most disconcerting was the kid rocking the costume represented to the right.
That’s right, at a church “harvest festival” someone dressed their kid up as Lucifer*.
I’m not here to hand-wring over the wisdom/folly of these festivals but if you are going to attend one of these “Non-Halloween Celebrations That Just So Happen To Fall on Halloween”, you might want to leave the pitchfork at home, no?
I guess one could make the case that Satan is a Biblical character?
*Yes I know that in all likelihood the prince of this world looks nothing like what pop culture thinks he looks like. For this, I must quote CS Lewis
I know someone will ask me, “Do you really mean, at this time of day, to reintroduce our old friend the devil-hoofs and horns and all?” Well, what the time of day has to do with it I do not know. And I am not particular about the hoofs and horns. But in other respects my answer is “Yes, I do.”
I do not claim to know anything about his personal appearance. If anybody really wants to know him better I would say to that person, “Don’t worry. If you really want to, you will Whether you’ll like it when you do is another question.”
Conservatives Try to Stave Off Invaders
No, not because of a sudden rash of xenophobia but rather because of a sudden bout of sentiments to make Sen. McCarthy proud.
Who are these invaders? Take a look:
[photo credit: Aggie horticulture, what did you expect?]
That’s a Chinese tallow tree and for the life of me I can’t imagine why conservatives are campaigning door-to-door to eliminate these trees.
It’s not like the trees are communist are they? Better dead than red?
For the story behind this sordid affair, click here.
Legalism: An Equal Opportunity Employer
Let me preface this by saying that many of my fellow Christian countrymen have no idea what an “evangelical” is or are aware that they fall under this umbrella, but I must use the term for simplicity’s sake.
No booze for you!
For some reasons, it has become endemic for Mexican evangelicals to refuse booze with the battle of cry “Soy Cristiano” ["I'm a Christian"], a proclamation that is received with jeers questioning the sexual orientation of the teetotaler. The implication of the “battle cry” is that one of the marks of the Christian is teetotalism. Of course, that’s not the case. CS Lewis correctly, though not politically, remarks that:
Mohammedanism, not Christianity, is the teetotal religion.
Now, there are Christians who do abstain from alcohol and we have our reasons for it. However to go around telling others to do the same would be legalism. It is equally egregious to make teetotalism a mark of a Christian. Again I must use Lewis’ words here,
One of the marks of a certain type of bad man is that he cannot give up a thing himself without wanting every one else to give it up. That is not the Christian way.
The following story brought all this to mind: “Veiled Muslim woman says Texas shopkeeper turned her away”, why?
Because of the words of the rejected woman: “We’re Muslim; this is the way we dress…”
So does it mean that a Muslim woman who doesn’t cover her face is unchaste? Much like the assertion of certain legalistic Christians that anyone who lets alcohol touch their lips is committing a grave sin?
Legalism is an equal opportunity employer.
Nancy Bearigan Does What Comes Naturally
Apparently it is common in Russia to teach bears how to ice skate and play ice hockey for the spectacle of it all.
In one particular case, this had fatal consequences for one trainer:
Ice-skating circus bear ‘tears trainer to pieces’ in front of horrified children
When I hear of tragic events such as this one, Chris Rock’s words in response to allegations of Montecore’s (the tiger that nearly killed Roy Horn) insanity come to mind:
That tiger ain’t go crazy; that tiger went tiger! You know when he was really crazy? When he was riding around on a unicycle with a Hitler helmet on!
The same could be applied to the bear that killed its handler. The bear didn’t go nuts, he was nuts when he was pulling off triple toe loops up and down the rink.
Gotta feel bad for the trainer’s family and friends, and the parents of the poor kids, who witnessed the mauling, will be forking over some serious soms to pay for a lifetime of therapy bills.
I still don’t see why the bear had to be put down, he’s only doing what bears do, no?
The Men In Blue Like Those Yankees
I know MLB wants the Yankees to get to the Series but this is ridiculous:
[Original photo credit: Robert Beck/SI]
This is the play in which third base umpire Scott McClellan (on the left, “donning” Yankee gear) made a call that made Don Denkinger blush.
Where The Wild Things Are
Apparently, in the middle of South African Roads:
The photo came from the following story, Roadkill: Tourists left stunned as lioness attacks buffalo – right in the middle of a traffic jam
I admit it, this post is but an excuse to link to another Christian Lander masterpiece,
Recent Comments